The most overrated holiday of the entire year is fast approaching…that’s right, Valentine’s Day is in four freaking days! Men all over America will fill the aisles of discount drugstores like Walgreens and RiteAid (on February 13th) to find the perfect fuzzy stuffed animal or a heart-shaped package of disgustingly filled chocolate truffles…only to have the object of his affection extremely disappointed and dejected for the entire miserable day.

Many will spend hundreds on flowers that will die or buy cheesy cards that say the things you will never actually say in person. And yet, most women will be completely pissed off because there wasn’t enough thought put into it. In honor of this day of inevitable disenchantment, I have compiled a list of the absolute worst gift ideas for cupid’s cursed day…

Bathroom scale. That is exactly what I want, to be reminded of my failed diet and exercise plan! Seriously, if you want to attend our romantic v-day dinner with a black eye, get me a scale.

Exercise Equipment. An eliptical is a nice investment, for the both of us. But, do not present it as my valentine’s day gift. Nothing says I love you like the gift of guaranteed sweat and hyperventilation.

Toaster Oven. Don’t just steer clear of the toaster, you should avoid any appliance or cooking utensil. No crock pots or George Forman grills. On the supposed most romantic day of the year, I don’t want a gift that suggests I will be in the kitchen more often, preparing food for you.

Swiffer Sweeper. Not only do I not want to be reminded of cooking, I don’t want to think about cleaning either! I do not want a duster, sweeper or mopper! Or anything else you might come across that is reminiscent of chores and housework.

Tacky Trinkets. Those dollar-store knick-knacks are not on the top of my wish list. I don’t expect diamonds or a brand new beamer, but I really have no use for a pair of furry hand-cuffs or a stuffed dog that barks I love you.

So, good luck to you…may cupid’s arrow be dull and crooked! Have a great, super-overrated day of love.